My First Post

I am laying on my side, trying to keep myself from falling into a deeper depression. Its very hard. My pain right now on a scale from 1-10 would be a 10/10. Its pretty severe and i dont know how I've put up with it for so long.


My vestibulectomy is in 6 days. That is my motivation. Everyone around me keeps telling me to look forward to it and that i will be okay but i cant help but think that i will still have to live with this for the rest of my life.

It all started in 2008...

i had a simple bacterial infection then a yeast and back and forth. The dr i was seeing at the time kept giving me all different types of yeast medications even though the cultures were ALWAYS NEGATIVE. The slide she looked at in the office was positive (yes every woman has healthy yeast) but cultures were negative. She still kept giving me pills and creams and i kept telling her i was still burning. I then went to a different dr in that office who knew less then the one i had just seen. She hands me a script for a cream and says (this will take your burning away!) i was beyond happy....went home and of course it made me worse and she also said to come back in 6 months....UMMMMM thats a long time to report back. Thats when i went to my 3rd dr. Same thing...cultures were negative but was still being prescribed pills and creams. On to my 4th gyno who said i looked perfectly fine (like all the other dr told me) and i had nothing. Keep in mind my blood was tested over and over and i never had anything. My life consisted of burning...and i guess i just dealt with it. At that time i didnt tell my family or close friends and just kept it in...i was also in college and under heavy school work that distracted me. I would say a year went by and it got so bad that i had to tell my father. (he is my best friend.) He tried his best to understand...i also told my sister and had to explain everything i had been through. I started seeing a therapist for the first time. She was amazing. We INSTANTLY bonded and i felt like she was my mother at times. She understood the pain i was in even though she never had it. We talked about it for many sessions did many exercises and i went on with my life. I found a "specialist" in NYC whos name i will tell privately because i dont want to start any drama. It was a JOKE. 300$ down the toilet. On to gyno number 5....same thing cultured and examined and im fine...big surprise there! went on with my life and still had sex. At that point it was painful but somehow i still did it. I had pain free sex for 5 years before this started so i noticed the difference immediately. I cried and cried and prayed that it would just go away. After every new cream i would get my hopes up and still nothing helped. I was introduced to Estrace cream...wow....AMAZING. It saved my life! At that time, nothing was giving me relief and i was just living in pain but when i put the estrace on it INSTANTLY took away the burning and soothed the area. I rushed to my therapist and told her the great news! She was so happy! after im not sure months of use it still worked...but the burning would come back. So instead of the pain just staying away, it would come back and i would have to keep re-applying it. At that time i didnt mind because it was giving me such good relief. At this time also i was in college full time classes and each class was 4.5 hours long sometimes 2 classes in a day. i DIED every time i had to sit for that long. Thats when i realized that to everyone around me, i look normal and happy and laughing but on the inside im DIEING and no one even knows....on to my 6th gyno...who prescribed me Premerin...got my hopes up and it did nothing...(this next procedure was the most painful thing i have ever went through in my entire life) That same gyno put a chemical on my whole vagina and i didnt know what it was. He said "it will take off the layer off skin and grow back a new one" i thought to myself ok maybe this will be the answer to my prayers...i was so happy to do it...he put the stuff on and BAM. i screamed at the top of my lungs and cried so hard....it was so bad that walking out of the office i had to take baby steps ...walking to my apartment was hell. Calling my dad at work SCREAMING from the pain he was so upset about what had happened. I went to pee and OMG it was so horrible!!! then i saw blood!!!! wow just thinking about it makes me sick. He told me to just be patient but i wanted to die. He said come back in 2 weeks and we will do another treatment...i went back after everything calmed down and i begged him PLEASE PLEASE DONT DO IT AGAIN and he just said "its ok its okdont understand its the worst pain of my life and he just did it anyways. By this time my vagina had gotten used to the trauma and it wasnt as bad as the first time but it was still horrible. After that experience  NEVER saw him again. To this day im trying to think of a way how i can sue his ass but ive been told by many people that medical law suits are extremely difficult and take alot of time and money. Two things i cant waste. (This is the best part of my description) I was refereed to a "specialist" and so i googled her name and HUNDREDS of women were talking shit about her saying she is a QUACK and so one woman said "dont go to her, see dr, andrew goldstein" so i googled him and found his website....i felt like my prayers were answered. I called him the next day and set up an appointment. I was told the price of the first appointment (over 1 thousand $) but i didnt care. It was 3 month wait and i had to travel to a different state to see him but i still didnt care. I waited and prayed. So the day i see him...he pulls me in his office and says "this is where you tell me whats going on...i get your history...tell me everything in details...and then we go to the exam where i DIAGNOSE you...(I WAS NEVER EVER DIAGNOSED!!! ) then after the exam we come back to my office and we talk about treatment plans...) i was BEYOND happy. We went to teh exam room and he INSTANTLY knew what was wrong with me. (Pelvic Floor Dysfunction...and vulvar vestibulitis) My muscles on the inside were very tight and had many spasms and i had extreme burning on the vestibule. He wrote down a full list explaining everything and all of the treatments....my eyes were bright and i was BEYOND happy. I then start physical therapy for the muscles and valium suppositories...months go by and i notice all of my burning was pretty much gone! i couldnt believe it.....this was the summer of 2010. Then when school started for me in septemeber BOOM my severe burning was back. I still went to PT to help with the muscles....(very expensive) after my muscles were in better condition....we tried botox injections into my muscles on the inside of my vagina. (SO EXPENSIVE!) So a couple days after the botox, i notice my burning was GONE! i couldnt believe it! i had a 10 day period of NO burning. then BOOM it came back....Then which was weird i had another 10 day period of no burning and BOOM it came back again. So i went back several months later and my next option was Estrodial Gel (estrogen and testosterone gel) I put it on 2 times a day and after days i noticed the skin felt different (nice and thick) it felt nice...then i was like WOW i think this is helping! then BOOM it came back...i continued it for several months and after no improvement i went back to him. My next option was Capsacin. I wont go into much detail because it was more horrifying then the chemical the gyno had put on me (silver nitrate) ....i used it once and threw it away!!! i wwent back to dr goldstein and said I WANT THE SURGERY. We talked about it and i later had my pre-op exam which was 2 weeks ago. He took blood work and did a q-tip test to see where exactly i was burning.

Here i am...6 days until the surgery...crying from frustration and burning. I just want this to be over. My biggest fear is having this forever but i just CANT think about that. I have to keep my head up and keep going. I tell myself all the time that ive made it THIS far i can do it!!!

Thank you in advance for reading through my post. I wanted to start now so i can fully document all of the details of my surgery for other women who are thinking about getting it.

Until next time......
xo -Sarah